Living in the land of ‘shoulds’

Does it sometimes feel like we are living in, as I like to say, The Land of Shoulds?

It is the season of celebrations for so many – graduations, weddings, vacations, the 250th birthday of this Country – and we are all filled with the “should” that accompany these days.

As one of my coaching clients turned friend will testify, I am famous for proclaiming, “Nothing grows in the Land of Should!” And I mean it! “Should” is usually about regret, bias, judgmentalism or shame. To me, those are as helpful as guilt. Totally unproductive and, at times, damaging despite masquerading as appropriate reactions.

When we utter that word, “should”, we are, many times, facing change, but that change isn't necessarily true transformation. Transformation requires both new beginnings as well as, at a more profound and deeper level, a letting go or a willingness to let things completely fall apart. And I have never met anyone who believes that falling apart feels good. It doesn't! It feels darned uncomfortable.

We feel strange, confused, thrown into the fire of despair, and empty. Who wants to sit with that? We will go to extreme measures to hold things together, to keep things and life from coming apart at the seams. It does not feel like progress. It does not feel like a holy space. It does not feel like Spirit is with us. It feels like the Dark Night of the Soul, about which the mystics regularly speak.

At times such as these, we meet our lives with busyness. Go. Go. Go. Get it done. Keep moving. Be more productive. Be more efficient. Don't stop. We search in our overachiever lives for control, where none is to be found.

For our transformation lies not in more control but, rather, in release. In the quiet. In becoming patient with life, in the space between the words, and in the freedom that happens when we stop resisting and let go, is where we meet our true Self.

Spiritual transformation – actually life transformation – includes a reorientation to the regular, to the everyday, to the habitual. It requires making meaning in new spaces and relinquishing old meanings that now hinder rather than help.

When we are in alignment with our inner Spirit and listen to that inner voice, we glow, we find a newly established sense of self, and our practices gain new life. We suddenly, thankfully, understand the real difference between peace and serenity. Patterns and behaviors that were once helpful and healthy are now restrictive. We feel as if we are wearing clothes that pinch in the wrong places. We strive to break free as a butterfly breaks from its cocoon. The shell of life that no longer serves falls away, but not without rigorous effort. And then, freedom!

Spiritual transformation requires grace and grit. It brings us out of our selves and into a wider world. It opens us to a new level of respect and love for all sentient beings and the creation we call home. Yes. Love. For All.

“Should” is easy. “Should” requires no commitment. “Should” keeps us at a distance from changing what we know, in our souls, is poised to change. Holding on, staying put, shutting down to the world is actually easy. Pointing fingers, finding fault, shaming others (or ourselves) and sitting in guilt can all be our default button – if we resist instead of reset!

But, as soon as we say “yes”, everything changes. Especially us. When the transformation begins, it won't be easy but Spirit is there, whispering, “I got you,” all the way. Then, with faith, we need to follow, to meet the new life waiting for us.

So, celebrate everything – the graduations and weddings, the vacations and the gift of summer, itself. Celebrate the birthday of our wonderful, messy, imperfect and magnificent Country! And celebrate not because “we should,” but because our celebrations are fueled by love through transformation. Grit and grace, hand in hand.

The Reverend Dr. Deborah Darlington is a seminary trained, ordained Interfaith Minister who is a Spiritual Companion to all people in spiritual transformation. She can be reached at GraceMatters@TheSpaceForGrace.com for sacred celebrations and spiritual coaching.